Terror of the Threshold
Suddenly, in the middle of the night or during meditation, you, in your search for truth, have a frightening experience. Itís called the terror of the threshold, and the word terror is apt. Striving to enter into a higher realm of consciousness ó striving to enter the portal of greater love, truth, and beauty ó you, all at once, in one total impression, find yourself gazing into a horrifying sight. You perceive your evil. There, ever so vividly, your cruel and thoughtless actions stand revealed to your inner sight. You see these ghastly images, while feeling deep pain. Remorse wells up; but in your terror you cannot stop the sight of such selfishness, such foul thinking, such egocentricity. Your emotions seem so base, you feel youíre looking at an animal. Yet, in all the terror, you know, inescapably, you are seeing yourself. Thatís the terror of it.
You clearly see yourself, in myriad examples, as an enemy of Light. You have, for your own purposes, limited or denied goodness. You have hurt others. You have, for some personal gain, conspired against good people ó or blocked them. You have spoken ill of others. You have tormented people with your insults. With tears you realize you have often been given a choice of light or darkness and you have, sometimes eagerly, sometimes slowly after great pondering, chosen the darkness. Oh, the revulsion of it all! You see your evil in such detail, with so many proofs.
"Oh, what a horrible person Iíve been!" you say from the agony of your soul. "So manipulative! So conniving! How like a cunning animal! How unlike a human being. How unlike my dreams and pretensions of my true nature have I behaved! In thought, word, and deed I have stood against life and goodness itself. It is undeniably evident.
Much weeping happens. Your whole body sobs. You have a growing sense of helplessness due to the acknowledgement of your allegiance to evil thoughts, words, and actions. You feel you stink at every level, and oh, how putridly.
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