Agonies & Ecstasies
There are additional agonies ó guilt, periods of self-doubt, an ongoing sense of inferiority or a painful, lonely arrogance which just wonít go away. You also agonize that you should be more patient and yet you find yourself extremely impatient. Then you become impatient that you are not developing patience faster. It would be funny if it didnít hurt so much. But it does. Itís agony.
Plateaus are often miserable experiences, too. Perhaps only a month ago you were doing fine. You made genuine progress and were experiencing many of the ecstasies.
"But where did the ecstasies go?" you ponder. "Nothing new has developed for weeks! Iím trying. Iím working hard. Iím doing my part! But goodness, what a barrier, what a plateau. Will I ever break through? Will I ever go onward and upward again? Is this the level Iím going to have to live on? Iím stranded between two worlds, between my old self and the impossibilities of my hopes.
Boredom is quite agonizing, too. When nothing new is occurring, while at the same time your friends are doing very well, itís especially difficult to deal with boredom.
"Somethingís supposed to happen. Iím making the effort. Iíve studied the website. I visited the Gurus and Masters. Nothingís happening. Thereís nothing to this stuff. Iíd be better off playing solitaire," you moan at times.
Worse than the agony of the plateau or the boredom is failure. At times most everyone tries to move forward, tries to become more conscious. However, due to old tendencies, you discover frustration and blockage instead. You develop the feeling you cannot break through. You start to think everything you try wonít work. Your sense of self hurts, and your esteem goes down the tubes. You know, "for a fact," youíre a failure. General doubts flood your mind. You wonder if you can ever, even if given a hundred million lifetimes, find your higher consciousness, make the grade.
Failure is agony. Not only is failure so painful, but other people seem so superior, so able, so successful compared to you. Your sense of failure adds to your sense of separation from them ó often initiating jealousy and subsequent possibilities of hatred. While your failure looms larger and larger in your mind, the successful people around you seem to be a different and superior species.
Also, your own personal superstitions give you a rough time. Due to your lack of training, you donít understand the goodness or beauty of the higher consciousness. You fear high intuitions may command you to give up your career, to go fight such things as the tsetse fly in Zambia. You might also be afraid that suddenly youíre going to project your consciousness out of your body and who knows where youíll go ó and what if you canít get back into your body?
You may fear that, while youíre out in the blue in elevated consciousness, friends will think youíre dead and gone; undertakers might embalm your body before youíre able to comment. This kind of doubt and ignorance is indeed agonizing, too.
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