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Agonies & Ecstasies

More Agonies

There are additional agonies — guilt, periods of self-doubt, an ongoing sense of inferiority or a painful, lonely arrogance which just won’t go away. You also agonize that you should be more patient and yet you find yourself extremely impatient. Then you become impatient that you are not developing patience faster. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so much. But it does. It’s agony.

Plateaus are often miserable experiences, too. Perhaps only a month ago you were doing fine. You made genuine progress and were experiencing many of the ecstasies.

"But where did the ecstasies go?" you ponder. "Nothing new has developed for weeks! I’m trying. I’m working hard. I’m doing my part! But goodness, what a barrier, what a plateau. Will I ever break through? Will I ever go onward and upward again? Is this the level I’m going to have to live on? I’m stranded between two worlds, between my old self and the impossibilities of my hopes.

Boredom is quite agonizing, too. When nothing new is occurring, while at the same time your friends are doing very well, it’s especially difficult to deal with boredom.

"Something’s supposed to happen. I’m making the effort. I’ve studied the website. I visited the Gurus and Masters. Nothing’s happening. There’s nothing to this stuff. I’d be better off playing solitaire," you moan at times.

Worse than the agony of the plateau or the boredom is failure. At times most everyone tries to move forward, tries to become more conscious. However, due to old tendencies, you discover frustration and blockage instead. You develop the feeling you cannot break through. You start to think everything you try won’t work. Your sense of self hurts, and your esteem goes down the tubes. You know, "for a fact," you’re a failure. General doubts flood your mind. You wonder if you can ever, even if given a hundred million lifetimes, find your higher consciousness, make the grade.

Failure is agony. Not only is failure so painful, but other people seem so superior, so able, so successful compared to you. Your sense of failure adds to your sense of separation from them — often initiating jealousy and subsequent possibilities of hatred. While your failure looms larger and larger in your mind, the successful people around you seem to be a different and superior species.

Another agony is your conflict of direction. You may be trying to please everybody while also meeting the demands of higher consciousness. Concerned relatives who may think of higher consciousness as a worthwhile hobby perhaps notice that you are treating higher consciousness as something more important than boating or golfing. Your loved ones become worried. They’ve read newspapers and heard strange things about altered consciousness. While they’ve done strange things themselves perhaps, they fear you may be doing something dangerous to your mental health or spiritual future. Poorly informed about what you are doing, perhaps even superstitious and unwilling to understand, they may make your life very painful. They may insult you or try to coerce you not to study and grow. It’s fairly agonizing when people you love don’t want you to do what you’re doing. Conflicts may force a choice regarding what’s more important — your aspirations or their respect. This ultimatum creates clouds of doom overhead and personal agony underneath. Higher consciousness could make you a much more loving, interesting, and happy companion if only your close companions would give you a chance.

Also, your own personal superstitions give you a rough time. Due to your lack of training, you don’t understand the goodness or beauty of the higher consciousness. You fear high intuitions may command you to give up your career, to go fight such things as the tsetse fly in Zambia. You might also be afraid that suddenly you’re going to project your consciousness out of your body and who knows where you’ll go — and what if you can’t get back into your body?

You may fear that, while you’re out in the blue in elevated consciousness, friends will think you’re dead and gone; undertakers might embalm your body before you’re able to comment. This kind of doubt and ignorance is indeed agonizing, too.

Pressures of Life 
 

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