Agonies & Ecstasies
But if there is ecstasy, there are agonies too. Moving toward higher consciousness and occasionally experiencing glimpses or tastes of it involves some downs, as well as ups. Sometimes the agony and ecstasy take turns. And sometimes agony takes more than its share of your thoughts and feelings.
The main source of the agony will likely be your own emotions and your expectations. If they are particularly confused, you may at times feel that you are ó despite your high quest and determination ó visiting hell. Based on your past feelings you may, as you become more vital and alive, experience old emotional tendencies which remind you of your past frustrations or your low self-esteem. Your old emotions, which had free rein for years perhaps, will create a storm whenever given the opportunity. Your life force will easily flow in the old grooves, bringing up feelings from childhood and other feelings which seemed long forgotten.
When you are proceeding toward higher consciousness, it is natural to want to feel good and happy about it. So itís very disconcerting to think, at times, that despite your quest, youíve been feeling rotten all day. Also, in your optimism and in your study of higher consciousness, you expect to achieve it soon, and in a delightful ó perhaps even cinematic, ultradramatic ó way. Then, as you proceed toward your goal, you realize it requires effort and the transformation of old tendencies into new tendencies; you find your romantic expectations are not being fulfilled. Instead, now and then, your conscience or some sense of inadequacy haunts you.
Living with frustrated expectations for a period of time can also seem like living in hell. It is an agony to experience negative emotional momentums which continually hound you and sink their teeth into your dreams. Itís hard to watch your desires die ó or have to spend one long day, and then another, aching for satisfaction.
Also, your subconscious mind gets into the act and throws old memories, images of unhappiness or misdeeds, along with a few choice mistakes, into your daily thoughts. "What? Youíre planning to achieve higher consciousness? Thatís FUNNY!" your subconscious mind suggests in its acts of sabotage.
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